Beyond rape and hook-up culture: Communicating consent at a college campus

Author’s note: When reading this article, understand that folks of any gender, orientation, ability, race, class, or nation of origin can be a survivor of sexual assault.

Whether you are going to a party or spending the night with a significant other, the issue of consent will always be present. Attending a liberal arts college gives a false reassurance that you will be surrounded by those who understand the complexities of consent and stresses which can blur the lines of consent.

Even though there is a growing awareness of a person’s right to say no, it seems that the standards for consent are still not distinct enough. On a college campus, the influences of hook-up culture and rape culture hover over our attempts to keep our decisions truly ours. This makes speaking up for ourselves even more difficult.

The pressures of hook-up culture lead one to believe that engaging in physical acts immediately when attracted to someone is the norm, and that not engaging in these acts as a precursor to a relationship (whether casual or romantic) is abnormal. Hook-up culture leads us to expect something physical out of our potential partner if there is attraction present—and when combined with rape culture, it can have devastating effects.

The aspect of rape culture that I’m addressing is the assumption that a person dressing in a provocative manner, consenting to another touching them, talking openly about having/liking sex, or being a sex worker means they got themselves into a sexual situation and that it is their fault if they are sexually assaulted.

Rape culture teaches that anyone who is showing off their body or is sexual in any way has agreed to submit themselves to complete objectification and harassment by anyone. Rape culture assumes an agreement between the harasser and those being harassed, that anything that happens from that point on is benevolent.

Rape culture claims that if the person didn’t want that kind of attention, they wouldn’t or shouldn’t have done such-and-such.

Rape culture and hook-up culture lead to societal norms that leave many people having their feelings of hesitation or ambivalence ignored. This thinking leads to the cognitive dissonance experienced by many who just wanted to exercise the right to embrace their bodies and express their sexuality in ways that suited them.

The person being harassed internalizes this culture and thinks, “Well, I guess I did get myself into this situation.” Many worry that they will be considered a “tease,” or that they would have been “leading the person on” if they want a sexual activity to stop, or they only want to consent to certain activities.

Many come across the pressure to have sex in college settings so often that these attitudes towards sexuality become commonplace in their mind. This type of mindset that our society instills in us allows the distinct boundaries of consent to be breached.

We cannot let these attitudes keep us from our own ability to have healthy relationships and feel comfortable within ourselves. We must work against these societal norms for the sake of our own happiness and well-being.

A way to prevent yourself from breaching your own limits is to set those limits ahead of time, regardless of how your night may end up. Listen to yourself and decide what you truly desire from what may arise in any given situation, keeping in mind how you’ve felt in previous situations and how your past affects you. Think about how to clarify your wants, needs, and boundaries to your partner before you are “in the heat of the moment.”

If you end up in a sexual situation, listen to what your body is telling you. If any negative feelings or hesitation arises, you probably don’t want to consent to going further.

Consenting to one sexual act does not commit you to any further sexual acts your current partner may desire. It is perfectly okay to say no to anything or to completely stop at any point in time. Anything that is not a full-hearted yes in your mind is probably not something you want to consent to at that moment. Trust your instincts and your inner voice. They will be the most helpful in leading you to a place you’re comfortable with.

If you’re participating in a sexual act with someone, and they seem to suddenly not be actively engaged, it is up to you to ask them if this is what they want and if they’re okay with what is going on.

Checking in is often discouraged because it is said to “ruin the moment.” This is a false and dangerous assumption. Checking in is essential to having a healthy and consensual sex life, so never slack on exercising this important practice. Your partner is probably not actively engaged if their mind seems to be drifting off into another place, they aren’t making eye contact, or they aren’t actively participating with their body. “I don’t know” and “I’m not sure” are signs to stop, not signs of consent.

Living in a college setting gives people a lot of cloudy ideas about what consent is and doesn’t necessarily empower them to set their own boundaries. We can begin to change this by remembering to take time reflecting on how we want to embrace our own sexuality and proper ways to accommodate these aspects of our being.

You can figure out your own way of communicating your interest in someone and how you want to go about starting a healthy and consensual relationship with them despite contemporary societal customs that speak of a rigid way of carrying out relationships.

You can find ways to not be influenced by hook-up culture and rape culture when making decisions about your relationships and sex life by stepping away from the constructs that encourage thoughtlessness and assumed consent.

Edwina Finefrock is a member of the Coalition Against Sexual Violence (CASV). CASV offers workshops to end sexual violence at Evergreen and the larger community and provides resources and support.

CASV is an actively anti-imperialist, anti-racist, anti-homophobic, anti-sexist, anti-ableist, anti-transphobic, sex-positive freedom-building group. CASV meets Wednesdays at 3:00pm in Library 2207 and can be contacted at tesccasv@gmail.com.